Excitement is what you see on most people's faces when they are about to journey a new experience and start over again, something I never was able to welcome with genuine warmth or sincere gratitude at all. These not so good new beginnings in my life have been hell of ones to turn my head around such chances and completely shut them down forgetting that I am actually a human with great chance of missing on life time after time. And new beginnings are what I always will need to be able to forgive and get on with my life for the better. No wonder I am stuck in this vortex of complete confusion all the time!
About ten days ago, a great friend of mine had his new beginning journey. Regardless of his conviction of what to call it, I personally see it this way. An extremely different environment than what I have in my country is where the new start ignites to light the rest of his life. I pray that it does not go against him or his family - Insha'a Allah!
I am socially disabled, I am! I do not get along with people easily and no, I do not communicate well but I speak a lot to cover up my nervousness and the uncomfortable state I'm always in. Unless I am with books or asleep, I am 97% of the time worried about the what-if's which. as we all know, are poisonous once they take over your mind and soul. El-HamdleAllah, I was a special exception each time I broke down to show my great fear of, well basically, everything in life! Pretty normal you'd say, not when you are me.
Most of the people who know me would understand that I am part of so many programs, projects, I want to make a change in the world, I am known by many -that is what I hate to hear and never say about myself-, I am naive at times, nice or even too nice, judgmental and many other characteristics that do not go together. Being all that I am and am not, I fail to find comfort in those I meet each day and those I chose once failed me greatly -yeah more discomfort agitated me after that. Thanks to God, I managed to find a few people who have managed to break my defense system down into small pieces since they were put together the wrong way due to the disfiguring choices I've made, and solved my puzzle to get this different person I really am and somewhat enjoy the bits of fun in me.
I smile, quite a lot actually, well yeah ALL of the time I do! I love to smile; I always try to do so because it makes me hide away much easily. It misleads you from finding out who I really am. But I do not smile inside at all. I find it hard to make myself smile, thus, I try to smile with the few who recognized my true spirit. However\, they are gone, all gone, some are far, some are busy, some are in my reach but I dare not reach out for, and some are too far to see what that has done to me.
I am trying to be a strong believer of Allah, something I failed to be for a while recently. Therefore, I started to find some peace and comfort in the distance of all my dear ones, but I went back to my old unsuccessful ways, which has been killing my spirit slowly over the years. I did not realize what I have been doing to myself all my life clearer than today in my composition class. We were asked to write notes answering questions written on the whiteboard for three categories: Sad, Happy & Angry. "Oh, that would be short and easy!" I thought to myself with a huge smile drawn on my face not knowing this would be the hardest thing I ever did in university. I was able to fill the Sad and Angry categories gradually but then there was this wanted list in the middle with not even a single, simple answer for any of the seven questions put up on the board by the doctor. I was stuck, we had almost twenty minutes to fill all of them, but I did the other two in about 5 or 8 minutes when I was not able to remember anything for the Happy category! I was shocked! I had so many good moments with my family, my loved ones and my dearest friends. Yet, not a single memory that once lightened up my heart or given me comfort for a second came across my weary mind.
I remember giggling like crazy with many of my friends, doing the craziest things I always thought of doing, blushing or even smiling from joy for my dearests. Yet, I failed to remember a single moment of sincere happiness.
I took a deep breath, turned to look over my left shoulder to catch a look from my far-seated friends and whispered through the spaces between us "I don't have any happy moments." They giggled for my craziness as always and didn't really know that I was terrified more than I ever been from a composition task!
I took a couple more deep breaths, closed my eyes and thought of all those who meant the most to me in life, but not a single thing made me pick a single happy moment. So, I just picked my travel experience polished it with great excitement and happy memories and there it was. I was done from writing one of the happiest moments in my life.
I remember the warmest moments with the guys I love, my best friends and my dearest of people but I cannot identify them clearly for I am no more in such grace. I envy those who have families when I got the greatest, those who construct their ideas clearly and loudly when I do at times, and even the beautiful creatures of God for being worshipers all their lives, something none of us can top!
About happiness they said:
You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.
Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient
The happiness that is genuinely satisfying is accompanied by the fullest exercise of our faculties and the fullest realization of the world in which we live.
Brother David Steindl-Rast:
Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more.
Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.