Slam Dunk; Awakened!

It too k me a while to realize what this was all about. I came here very much excited about the new experience, got trapped and too tangled in a web of loss and depression. I know myself well enough this moment, remember all the troublesome daily chores I had to undergo to make it to school, then NGOs and then back home late at night to start working all night long on my life's work. I did not see how tough I was until I was here in this silly depression. Well, you know what? To hell with this insane and ridiculous feeling. My time here has been well-deserved, this scholarship was a bless from God and I deserve every bit of it. I ain't no any pedestrian, I knew this since I was 9 years old; I was never a pedestrian passing through life, I am here to change it.


I lived my whole life in a broken house, never had a backbone to reply on nor did I allow the bits and pieces of my family to be that because I know I am here fighting on my own. So, what is the difference coming in a society like America's. Sure it is bigger, tougher, easier to manage and much of it is laid back.  But ain't this the other side of life I always wondered about and what it would be like to be part of. What I learned from this is I do not like laziness, lack of achievement and purpose; life is worth not living this way. Forever I have been determined to change my community creating a better future for my baby sisters for the atrocities I have seen form a very early age.


I am way late, nonetheless, I set my mind on it and I am ready to go!


Time for work no more procrastinating; no more fears to hide from, hesitation ought to be severed from the heart, ambitions are racing and home is awaiting for the best of me!


Wish me luck!

Alibi

It is the scraps of little wisdoms given to us in the most insecure manners than change our lives. Not the magnificent architectures of the world today, or the wars shed by millions in names they cannot understand, or the noble prizes for great achievement. God forbid that I intend to undermine those articles of greatness brought to the light at one point or another. I only mean to describe what really changes you from the inside without you realizing it that you walk miles in one step and elevate in the ladder of life way more comfortably than you see.

I have come to this culture unaware of my disabilities and frightened by my built-up walls that kept me strong for year through the roughness of my society. I came armed with a will to build up ever stronger wall to keep me safe from the hurricanes, volcanoes and destruction I have imagined. I prepared for the worst and I have succeeded in protecting myself, so far.

However, I learned one thing. I was deceiving myself. Those walls have cut the pieces of cake I eagerly wanted to eat for me, colored the paintings I have always pictured in my mind and carved the words I always respected in the world with every fall I had to endure. The work has been completed, by me somehow, but not because of me.

I aspire high in life, higher than I allow myself to believe possible, work hard for it, break down once and over again, re-boost and go for it. Yet, I seem to have forgotten that what changes me is the little notes from those who matter the most to you in the world.

I am blessed with the most valuable gifts there are to be obtained in this world and during my stay here in the United States, I have managed to come across some of the most genuinely unique and incredible people that change my life in every possible way I never knew existed. The smaller the manner they approached things is, the bigger the conflicts we had and the greater respect I carried for them.

Some are too careful out here to attempt a test us, internationals that is. Testing is a normal thing to get involved in another person’s character. They are remarkable, smarts in their fields and upfront, even if not with us the whole time. At times I wish they could break away from their fear and test us in every possible way, after all, what is there for them to lose rather than gain.

One of the best things I cannot seem to be able to describe is the sensation I get when I unfold one of the pages of my past diaries to find me speaking of those I met instead of me. On my first three writings in America, I wrote of at least two whom I admire a lot. I am very fond of curiosity and spontaneity as I believe they can take me a long way rather than formality and strictness. This to me seems to be the problem in bridging the American-international gap.

TO be continued...

3 Months in JC & D.o.R

It has been three months since I have been here in Juniata College and it feels like ages. I miss my family and my baby sisters the most as I have never left them for this long and I am sure they need me which makes it harder, but knowing that they are growing up thinking they could travel and depend on themselves one day and build up their path in life with the best mediums they can get their hands on to get to see their journey through, makes me accept the difficulties and keep up with its hardship.

As much as terrified I was to fail to meet my personal goals here, I was ever more terrified to disappoint my family, especially my aunt. Being in a place like Huntingdon, Pennsylvania is not much of the diverse experience I expected to get but being amongst the students of Juniata College, the Oller Center for Peace and International Programs for International Students and getting to taste of the American experience while I am here is worth it. It is not all pretty as It sounds, not to me to begin with as I am a very meticulous person as I came to understand and it seems to be harder for me than for my friends, or so I think.

I do not feel I am fitting in mainly because I am not into things that most students are into especially here in Huntingdon as I spend ALL of my free time volunteering back home. Coming here and having a lot of opportunities to volunteer, I still believe that there is not exactly what I can give all my efforts to achieve as I need always to understand the foundation of the program and what it aims for to investigate if it is something I can make a difference with. I do that a lot back home and I work intensively on developing my own projects when I cannot find those that fit my ambition as I mainly focus on female, youth and children empowerment. Nonetheless, I accidentally walked into the wrong class on my first week of classes which I attended for the whole class time that day, stupidly enough. I discovered my mistake later on and regretted as the professor offered to take students whom will be chosen randomly to the Huntingdon S.C.I. that is located close by campus to attend an event entitled “Day of Responsibility”. I was so excited as I knew I would be very much into such an event and convinced myself asking the professor on means to get to go on that day even though I am not a student of his class anymore which he agreed to very generously. Being so blown away to be part of this privileging experience and experiencing it, I came back with a whole aspect on activism in Huntingdon that I never thought I would land on and so I have started three small ideas which are under process and I am determined on fulfilling before I leave here. What I learned from the people in the correctional facility has humbled me ever more to the things I have been going through everyday back home. Their main message was to show the people outside especially youth in my age that the stereotypical idea of a criminal is not always what the movies portrays as there are those who acknowledge their mistakes and seek to work with the victimized families to re-establish a bridge of forgiveness and embitter themselves for their own good as well as the society’s. (I include the paper I wrote and sent to professor Welliver expressing the feelings I came out with that day.)

The last month has been the hardest, I am so used to having a hard life and the one I have here is too stable in the sense that I am too scared of going back home. I am not as destroyable, naïve, and isolated as everyone perceives me to be most of the time, nor am I happy simply because I have a smile on most of my days, I simply discrete and only those who approach will know me. I do not normally take unreasonable initiatives, not out of fear but out of absent mindedness in Juniata College. I have engaged in conversations with many American students but came with one conclusion, American youth can be easily absorbed in the trends and forget the more important aspects of life; being gifted the way that many are here, they do not recognize their ability to change the world, or maybe they do not see the need to. What scares me the most, even more than the fact that great talents are focused in one directions, is that the accessible freedoms given to the American citizens takes away their childish eagerness to discover what else is there in the world. Maybe this is my goal here having seen this as a problem, but I am having a hard time articulating myself as clearly as I want as I am used to be careful in my country because I an underage female who is illegally active in the political spectrum regardless of government, family and society. Thus, my next steps are to first feel less threatened to speak my mind, submit the drafts of my three ideas for those who might be of interest and access to support the ideas and then establish a civic realm for me to find what I lost form my culture.

I miss my country; the everyday struggles to assert myself as a female, my Eids and family gatherings, the food, the loaded schedule of work as well as my disputes with all those who oppose my belief system, ideology and goals in life, including family. What I do not miss is having to be responsible and reserved the whole time. I appreciate my time whole great here and understand that it is reshaping my perspective bit by bit every passing moment, nevertheless, what frightens me the most, the clashes I have to undergo in the first few months readjusting to my life in my country and the impact my career plan will have on my family as I intend to pursue my higher education in a year or so from my graduation in the United States.

----------------------

Day of Responsibility

Wednesday /October 6th, 2010

In an initiative to establish a community of acceptance to the inmates of S.C.I. Huntingdon correctional facility, a society called the Pennsylvania Lifers’ Association (PLA), which consists of inmates with life sentences, started holding the annual day of responsibility for the past few years. The program has developed many challenges within the Pennsylvania community, and more specifically, within the prison community as the idea or repent for a criminal is hardly conceived in the minds of the American people today. Nonetheless, the project, from what I have seen and read about, has come a long way and attracted a lot of inmates seeking to rectify the damage that has been done in a moment of ill judgment and devote themselves to the communities they come from for another chance and a new start after they are released, that is for those who are not part of the PLA.

The main purpose of our visit was to interact with the people there and come with an understanding of what an inmate’s life is like and what really do some of them hope to achieve in their lives. At the same time, it was kind of a challenge to look beyond the stereotype image of a prisoner that movies and media advertise and have some sort of a taste of reality or at least of it here in Huntingdon. The program consisted of several talks directed to the inmates given by the prison directors, lifers’, crime victims and advocates of victims, Dr. Daniel Welliver as a sociologist and a representative from the SouthWest Nu-Stop Inc.. Then we were divided into discussion groups where we read two pledges of responsibility, one for the inmates and another for the visitors, through which we established the similarities between the inmates and us as members of the outside community and also explored the aspects of change that each side pursues and what principles are of importance to everyone in the context of self-development and communal support.

I am privileged to have been part of this experience as I was able to meet people, who I strongly and personally believe, have higher ambitions that the everyday American young Americans I have for my time in the states. They have showed interest in changing themselves not for the people who are suffering because of their crimes, or because of the judgmental mentalities they are controlled by ever since their mistake, nor for the society but for themselves. I believe this is the greatest evaluator of achievement and to see people with almost no hope, completely without freedom for their time there, capable of transforming what they misunderstand into something they can feed their minds and souls from. They seek something to stand on, build it, read books to elevate their experience and ideology and by the end of the day become the best of human beings they could possibly imagine with hope that they can live a better life.

Unfortunately, life is not that cereal; people in Huntingdon and some other areas of Pennsylvania are not as supportive of such experiences as you would imagine them to be. Despite the fact that some are able to overlook these criminals’ past life but the greater majority would condemn them and reemphasize the fact that they remain criminals rather than people who are trying to rebuild something that, at least in the cases I got to hear about, was the only choice in their one-time-decision moment that changed their lives forever.

Something I was extremely impressed with was the PLA. These people have not only taken the time to overlook their misery, grow optimistic, educate themselves, search for the right mediums of change in their situations, accept one another, deliberate and disagree, and come to form the Pennsylvania Lifers’ Association for those who at one point of their lives were them. Their main focus is to show the young new inmates that this is not the time to lose hope, continue their rebellions in some cases, blame others for their mistakes and conclude that misery is their life-sentence.

To lend hope to others when there is none left for you is the greatest lesson in morality if you ask me. Seeing people with great virtue and moral respect for the value of another stranger’s life is the most honorable lesson I have learned so far ever since being here in the United States and it is not available anywhere else where I have been in the Huntingdon community.

أنشودة لا أعرف كلماتها

عندما نفترق يبقى أثرك محتم علي معايشته، رغم نجاحي في التعايش مع ما علمتني الحياة ووهبني به الخالق، لا زلت أفشل في إبعادك عن ذهني.

لعل ما نرتكبه في حق أنفسنا هو ما يُنقش في حجرات قلوبنا ، ليكون شاهداً على ما آلت إليه الأمور و إلى ما اتخذناه من بعض كبشر.

مسيرتي في الحياة هي الأبشع، و مواجهتي للواقع بات مستبعد. بت ألجأ إلى عزل نفسي عن العالم خوفاً من الجرح و التجريح و المآسي التي لا بد منها من أجل أن نستمر و نحقق شيئاً مما نطمح له في الحياة.

علي عدت طفلةً مرةً اخرى باتخاذي ذلك أناجي جراح أمي و أبي و استبعد صدق أحاسيس الأحبة تجاهي. أصحبتُ أخشى أن أُحِب، أُحَب أو أغامر في عشق كيانٍ لا تربطني به صلة الرحم. عقيمة الأحاسيس هي أنا، فاطمةً جديدة خلقت لتعيش في العزلة من كونٍ تملؤه العواصف و المغامرات الجميلة.

افتقد عائلتي.

لا زلت أعيش متناسية فقدان والدَي، و ضعف علاقتي بما تبقى من أسرتي، تجاهلي لقواعد البيئة التي أسكنها و جموح شخصيتي هي ما دفعني لأكون هكذا. منذ كنت في التاسعة من عمري، اكتشفت عالماً جديداً اغتصب طفولتي و حرمني حرية العبث الفضولي و أصبحت مجرد تمثال يسعى لتحقيق الحرية  شبه المستحيلة.

هي خطوة على المغامرة بها لأكون من جديد كيانٌ مرح لا حدود لصدق نقائه و برائة عفويته، فهل أتمكن من المبادرة بها؟

Welcome to Juniata College!

This is not so much of a cultural shock to me as I think it is to my friends as I have been in the United States for two weeks last June and the shock was all over the place back then! Even though, I had some other adjustment shocks that have some cultural as well as personal intonations to it that might have not made my days but certainly taught me a lot about the American culture, specifically Huntingdon, Pennsylvania.

I took it as a highly important goal of my scholarship to try and teach other American students in Juniata College about my country, traditions, culture as well as the society in an attempt to erase the stereotypical image that the media has portrayed for countries in the Middle East for the past decades.

I am here as a cultural ambassador in one of the United States’ most remote and isolated societies with a majority of 80% whites, 14% internationals and the rest is predominantly clack or other ethnic minorities. I had in mind that blending in this social structure and special cultural aspect of America would not be the easiest especially being a black-Arab descending from African roots. Nonetheless, I believe that I have met many people who chose to accept me as I am, share their experiences with me as well as listen to mine, and encouraged me t dare and mingle with those I sometimes hesitated to approach for respect of their groups or preferences during free times. One simple lesson is learned here, being yourself is the only price you have to pay here. Now that does not necessarily mean that you will be welcomed nor doesn’t refer to the contrast situation. All that is, is that you are the only one who determines whether you are accepted or not. Just be honest and go for it!

We had a wonderful event on the first weekend of school last Saturday and Sunday and it is known in Juniata College as “Lobster Fest” which is a yearly event where lunch is lobster, obviously, and then all the committees, clubs and student bodies advertise for the interest of each and introduce their ideas for Freshmen students as well as those who are interested. I ended up joining a lot of clubs myself and this week we get to attend some of them. There are almost 100 clubs that everyone can join!

I was very nervous about this experience but having attended the NESA orientation in DC with fellow Juniata College students has certainly helped me manage myself better and have some kind of a support mechanism to push me forward and help me fulfill my goals through this scholarship and opportunity.

For the time being, I am trying to stay focus, manage classes, keep up with work daily as well as weekly and get to experience the American student’s lifestyle. I am not too excited about the last even though it is essential but that would not stop me from going for it. I look forward to having a wonderful time here and to learning and teaching as much as possible about cultural exchange.

One last thing, I am taking part in a project called “Language in Motion” which is basically teaching students in schools from elementary through high school about other cultures like mine. I am really excited about this because it tests both my ability as a cross-cultural learning teacher and my promise in providing essential primary source of information for eager minds that this program targets!

For now I hope everyone is doing great and that this be a wonderful year for all of you!

Reversed Friendship

I can manage to gasp a breath of air after  a great disappointment, yes, I am capable of breathing desbite my painful Asthma pressuring my lungs to collapse when I wish to hold myself together when I encounter disappointment. What I fail to do is hold back my tears which relief my Asthma and calms it to the extremest.

I have lost all meaning to life again and those whom I held to be my reasons in life never gotten to know their role in my survival. I leave in just a few days and a simple smile cannot seem to cross my face. I am not sad that I am leaving for I know the importance of this step in my life and the growth of my personal spirit within a forest of beasts. Independence is certainly my number one goal from this, complete and utter independence that is. Yet, my best friends are not even close to know, nor is anyone who always claimed my friendship.

I am not a lone, I have so many great friends who are keeping in touch and saying their goodbyes, memories and regrets as I am to leave for a year away from them. I, selfishly, feel those who mean the most do not even notice the great fear I hold inside of their loss due to my travel.

My travel seems as if I will die in a few days; everyone wants to have a special last pre-NESA hang out, go out, watch a movie, talk and mingle, everyone but my best friends. I wonder if I am to really die, would this still be the case?

I seldom find myself again questioning the steps I am taking in order to achieve my mission of change not because I doubt the harm coming from it is worth it but simply because my smile is once more taken for granted by those I cherish the most.

I fear yet again, tomorrow, another phone call, another holding back, another burden put upon my chest for failing as a friend, another step backwards in social prospection, another regret, another Asthma attack and another tear.

Oh well, here comes tomorrow.

Absolution of Fear

 

I have always felt the urgency to be independent and now here comes my chance. I have gotten a fully-funded scholarship from the U.S. Embassy in Bahrain through the NESA UGRAD ESCHANGE program to go to study in an American university for a year. It is a chance of a lifetime and to me a unique opportunity to be that independent me I have always been looking forward to meet. Yet, I am terrified. I have never been alone, I am not that confident being in such a different environment and I will miss my baby sisters dearly which will make me weak. I am scared and terrified to abandon the life I am used to, my room, my bed, and my friends and through myself into the wild in what is ought to be an exquisite experience. In the same time, it is something I must go through. I understand the essence of this great opportunity which will hopefully break every fragment of fear within my souls, reshape my enthusiastic spirit for change and unleash my latent talents that will inevitably accomplish my mission in life.

I will be spending a year long excessive program of academic studies and volunteer challenges in Juniata College located in Huntingdon, Pennsylvania, USA. I have managed to find come connections and have spoken to a few people who have had some sort of a connected experience to where I am going. So far, it looks promising with great variations from where I come from.

I definitely will miss my crowded house, my polluted city-town, my bus station, the hangouts I cannot attend with my friends, the meetings I cannot attend, the events I am not allowed to go to and the heat. I will miss this lovely place on earth, my home.

I want to miss it. I want to throw myself into challenges, experiences and opportunities without any boundaries hoping I would fall and get up over and over and over again. Wishing to meet new people, learn from their lifelong experience, their passions and their morale attitudes towards life.

I now am enthusiastic about pulling it through; through the daily lectures that my very traditional grandmother lectures my her sister about for letting me go, the daily worry-ful questions about my actions abroad, about my studies there, the place I will be staying at and the people I ought to take good care from. I am confident that my indomitable will will definitely sustain my ambition’s determination and my spirit’s eagerness to overcome the mess I am in now for being a “boy”, as my family considers me, for disobeying social conducts and finding my own moral rules in life that reach beyond the limitations of gender, society and traditions that relate in no possible way to my religion.

Yet, I am scared but now I am determined to make it!

The Forbidden Prayer

I established a base on which I stand and through life I commit myself to different journeys and adventures, some of which I am able to direct and others I am the trivial obedient. I miss my souls for it has abandoned me last year with no introduction. I am unable to speak.  Silence, ever since, has been my best companion.

I fell in love not too long ago, I fell in love and I keep on over and over again. From the moment I set my eyes on him I knew I have encountered something beyond human understanding. I love him and I owe everything I own as well as  my life to his support.

I was never raised in a religious family; sure, my family is all religious and what not but that was not the main rule in my family, belief was a matter of personal choice and once you choose it there is no turning back. Scary huh? Not really, it is rather realistically independent and it teaches the individual a lot. Nonetheless, on that road self-discovery has become one proponent of my entire journey, morality was my new identity.

I am attributed with the character of "nice", as good as it sounds, most of those I know negate it infinitely because it derives my power to be self-dependent and a strong character in my society  something I have always striven for throughout my personal career. I am nice, good or bad, I am. I presume it badly, however, I live with it. I love being nice, it is one of my main morale values; be nice, you are treated likewise, even when you are betrayed, back stabbed, used and misled, remain the same, nice, and those who have assaulted you will be nice at the end of the day. One very important aspect of morale treatment of others. Do good and you are rewarded, no matter how long it takes, regardless of the troublesome times in between, yous souls loves being nice.

I wanted to pray the other day, this prayer I have missed for a very long time. It simply explains the great sorrow and repent I wish to establish in order to be forgiven for the sins of my past, the mistakes of my present and the secular aspirations of my future. I am not at all religious in the terms allotted today by our religious leaders and institutions, I am not at all conservative as well, I am simply morale and I seek to make my religious practices accordingly to what my mind, soul and faith guides me to to be.

I believe this is the only solutions to every problem in our lives. I do no assume a life free of any  problems, this is a normal and an integral part of the life that we promote our personalities into better ones through hardships, nevertheless, I assume a life of great fortune of the souls.

I love him, loved him and never imagine myself falling in love with anyone but him. Despite the debates of the non-religious, the attempts of the atheists and the skeptical to either negate this unjustifiable belief system or defy it for a better understanding, to both debaters, I remain in love with my God till the end of times. I cannot explain it, I do not believe it is justifiable to the human brain not is it exemplification by evidential references or scientific rules or even equations; my love lies with the fold of air in my articulation units, the grain-size elements of my blood, the smallest particle that formulates the simplest of natural elements; my love for Him is a matter of a forbidden prayer.

You cannot kneel down one day, in great sorrow, regret, remorse and lose, then  raise a pure and honest contemplation of the human soul that's destiny is indistinguishable and eventually rise up with the same initial emotions.

God exists, the reasons are not understandable and my brain as well as most of the religious cannot articulate the identifiable reasons. Although, God resides somewhere out there and all the mythical ideals do relate to him in all their forms.

ضياعٌ و فوضى.. ولا أجمل؟

دائماً ما نفشل في إيجاد أرضية نقيم عليها عملنا الذي يطمح إلى إحداث نوعٍ ما من التغيير   في مجتمعاتنا، ونتقاعس عن إعادة توجيه السفينة لترسو على المرسى المنشود، بل نتخذ   من الخلل الذي حدث سلماً جديداً لربما يخالف الكثير مما أردناه في بادئ الأمر.

بقيت لحظات حتى إقلاع الطائرة و لقد نسيت جميع أساسيات هذه الرحلة، لا تمتلك فرشاةً تنظف بها أسنانك صباح كل يوم، لا تمتلك دفتراً تسجل فيه ما يراودك من أفكار عابرة تريد الاحتفاظ بها أو مواعيد مهمة تريد تذكرها، لا تمتلك وسادتك التي بدونها لن تستطيع النوم و الاسترخاء عصراً ،وأخيراً نسيت نفسك مهملةً على رف من الملابس المبعثرة في كل مكان. ماذا يبقى منك اليوم في رحلتك هذه؟ وهل فعلاً تستطيع العمل بما هو لديك؟

لا اعتقد. لا اعتقد أننا نستطيع التغلب على مبادرات النفس الأمارة على السوء في عالمٍ مثل عالم اليوم، لا اعتقد أننا قادرون على إعادة صياغة التاريخ بالمنهج والوتيرة التي نسير عليها. وأكثر من ذلك، لا اعتقد أننا بتنا بشر فوق كل شيء، لقد خسرت البشرية جميع معاني الإنسانية التي اتخذتها بالأمس؛ لم نعد نناضل من أجل قضية معينة بل نتخذ الصمت و العزلة، لا رسالة ترسل اليوم تعبر عن روح الانتفاضة العربية، لا أنشودة تعبر فعلاً عن مكنون النفس العربية إثر انتهاكات الغرب و تدمير جميع معالم الرسالة الموحدة. اليوم نقف، مجموعات مختلفة، البعض يناشد سراباً كاد أن يتلاشى من الوجود والآخر تأكد من ضياعه، ويبقى صغارنا في حيرةٍ مستمرة، من نحن؟

لستُ هنا لأصدر أحكاماً على ما شهدته من مر الحياة، وليس هدفي هو التقليل من مقدرتنا كشعوب على إعادة مبادئ الإنسانية إلى أسمى مستوياتها الأصيلة لتغدو مقياساً لجميع مستويات التعايش التي نتخذها في مجتمعاتنا، بل غايتي هي فرض هذا التحدي على من يبادر بقرائة مدونتي.

رسالتي في الحياة هي أن أُكًوِنَ ميثاقاً مبني على عهد من الأخلاقية يدعو إلى التغيير الإيجابي باسم الإله و من أجل الإنسان. لربما لا يتسنى لي أن أبادر بما قد يحدث تغيير جذري في مجتمعي و لكنني مصممة على أن أبذل قصارى جهدي من أجل هذا الهدف.

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 عزيزي قارئ سطري
لا تكن كالجبل الجليدي مخفي المعالم
فتغدو مجرد عابر سبيل
بل ابصم لك أثراً ... شاهداً حياً
في حياة عابري سبيلك


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بـــين هفوةٍ و هـــروبٍ ناجـــح ...

بالفــاتحـــة أفتتــح يومــا جــديداً.. برحيــل المــاضي و استقــبال صفـــحاتٍ أخــــر..


رَحِــــمَ الله قـــارئَ ســـورةِ الفاتـــحة لـــروح مـــن فـــارقه الـــيوم...



بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ (1)

الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ (2) الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ (3) مَالِكِ يَوْمِ الدِّينِ (4) إِيَّاكَ نَعْبُدُ وَإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِينُ (5) اهْدِنَا الصِّرَاطَ الْمُسْتَقِيمَ (6) صِرَاطَ الَّذِينَ أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيْهِمْ غَيْرِ الْمَغْضُوبِ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا الضَّالِّينَ (7)




مرحبا بك قارئ كلمتي الكـــريم

لـــي شـــرف مشــاركتـــك كــيانــي بــعد فــراقٍ طويـــل


دمت بخير و دامت أيامك بسلام



لي وقفة اليوم على ضفاف الحرية العربية..

لحظات أمل و تأمل تــثقبُ حنـــينــاً لـــها،، لكـــي، بل لكليــهما..


أحبتــيــ

فارقتمـــونيــه طفلـــة و لا أزال أعاني من سقم الطفولة..

مازلتُ أحتاجُك أماً وليدة المشاعر كل لحظة،، أحتاجُك أباً كثير العطاء ذا قلب خافقٍ بحبي،، أحتــاج أحضـــانَ مـَــن أُحِب لأكون بين حدودها طفلة لم تنتهي من تمردها..


ستــة أعوام لا بل عشـــراتٍ من الأعوام ..!! -كيف ذلك و مازلت أفارق العشرين ببضعة شهور....- هي عدد من السنين لكنني قد أوقفتُ عدادَ الزمان.. ما زال حُبُكي نابضاً حياً، رغم خوفي من نسيان الحاضر و الرجوع في ترحال إلى ركنِ قدميــك..





لي قصـــة أيــها الغــالــي،،،

ليـــس للتاريــخ مِثــلِها نصــوص،، هي هفـــوة فابتسامـــة فهــروب،،



نَظَرتْ لي بابتسامة لتقول...
بِصمْتِها الخلابِ تتناثَرُ كل الكلمات

آهٍ... آه ، تُقَطِعُ بها حنايا القلب في لحظات..



لازلت أذكرها،، يومــها عندما رأيتها ملقاةً كالحطام مختلفة الملامح أكاد لا أعرفها فقد مضى على لقائنا بضعة أيــام في اعتـــصام..



نطقــت حروفها لتخبــره برغبتها في أن أبقى معها لبقية الــيوم، فهي لم ترني منذ بضع يــوم..!


لبِثَــت و هــي بيــن غــفوة و سَكــرة تراقبــني في غفلةٍ مني لتبعد ناظريها ليحين دوري.. لبِثْتُ بقرب تلك النافذة فقد كنت حينــها لـربــما قرابة الثانية عشر منغمِسَةً في عَــدِ السيارات المركونة في موقف المستشفى... لأتوقف و أتأملهــا تنــام ثم أعــود.. لــيطول يومي و يزداد شعوري بالوحــدة و الغــربة..



كانــت تلك هي فرصــتي الوحــيدة لأُقَبِلَها ... فهَــرَبْت



حــضنٌ من الحنــان هـــو الذي فقدتــه حينها، و بر أمانــيَ... أبــي


كــان رحــيلها كطعــن من نبال مـثــابـرة تصيب قلــبي فجـــرَ عودتِــهم لأرض الوطن و بكائي كطلفةٍ رضــيعةٍ قد حطمــه ُ تحطيــما،، فلتلبثي لوهلةٍ في هدوء هو ما قلتــه لنفسي لكننــي أمُـــوت و يالـــيت موتي يــأتي سريــعا..


مـــررنا سنينــا مريرة،، في حب ووئام فخلاف و خــصام... وداعا أبـــي قد قلتها و عيناي في دموعها غـــريقة!


ليـــكون أخـــي،، فجدتي ولي بضع طفـــولاتٍ بــريئة..




مضــت علينا عواصف الدنيا العتــية لتغبــر فتمطــر و تثلــج لتنــير و مـــن ثم تحطـــم كياناتــي للمــرة الأخـــيرة...


كالقشــة السقـــيمة الشريــدة كان أخي .. كانت أسرتي،،  و اليــوم تحطــمت سفينتــي لأكـــون بلا مأوى بيــن شطيانٍ من الأحلام و الضيــاع و بعضٍ من الأمـــل..!


بـــين هفوةٍ و هـــروبٍ ناجـــح ... تلك هـــي محـــاولاتــي لبـــناء مينـــاءٍ يحتضـــن بقــايا رســــالاتـــي..



بابتســـاماتٍ أحطــــم بقـــايــأ تــلك الدمـــوع... ابتـــسم عزيزي فنهــــارك إلا بــك لــــن يكـــون..



أمــــاه،،،
اليـــــوم تُـــدفَــــنُ ابتـــسامــــــات التضحـــية لأكــــون فــاطــمــــــــة

مازلتُ أبحثْ

مازلتُ أبحثْ عما كاد أن يكونْ

عنْ امرأةٍ تبيدُ سكونَ العالم لأكونَ في حضنِها أنا...

مازلتُ أرنو لرائحةِ الجنونْ

لقيلويةٍ تُبعدُني عنْ هولٍ كاد أنْ يسلبني السنا..

بالأمسِ كنتُ أجري تائهاً بينَ الربيعْ

ساخراً منْ عطركِ

ناسياً سِحرَ السوادْ

مازلتُ أنا..

ذلكَ الطفلُ الرضيعْ

إثرَ عِبرة ثم هَفوة لازلتُ أرنو لرائحةِ لحبيبْ

لِأُبحر فأبحر وأبحر ... وبعدها

أنتهي و السماءُ راكعة

بينَ هولي و ضياعي قُلتها

"مازلتُ أبحثْ عما كادَ أنْ يكونْ

عنْ سِحركِ..

عنْ أسركِ..

عن سكرٍ أنساني من أنا ..!"

My greatest fear is true

The strangest thing in life is that which hides the capability of drifting throw your pages in a matter of seconds. It alters your reality like a thunder strikes a tree regardless of its age, shape, size or even progress in life. We are all destined with the same destinies one way or another. These are lessons I merely hear nowadays whereas before I learned them each time I met someone, did something or witnessed the most trivial projects of humanity, I learned something. I had lost that wondrous ability quite some time ago mainly because I no longer was able to smile at the goofy things my friends provide in my presence in an attempt to lighten me up, brighten up my day and eventually devour my explicit negativity.

Awkwardly, the most altering event in my life is not the greatest as few might already have a perception on what that may be and a lot will be wondering about. You would imagine the death of my mother at the age of twelve, my father's abandonment a couple of years later, my lack of trust in people, the atrocious approaches that has bedazzled my complete faith in morality, my ever-growing hatred towards the tedious everyday human pleasures found in every possible simplicity of life, and conformists. I hate it all; it ruined my innocence, peace, faith and spoiled the beautiful spirit I always used to be. Still wondering where I am going? I see!

My biggest disappointment today is that, regardless of millions and millions of acquaintances, many friends, classmates, and co-workers and so on and so forth, out of all the people I ever met in my life, the one person I trust with blind sight trusts me not at all.

I am not close with family you see, a rebellious twenty years old college girl seeking liberation who had never been a conformist her entire life will never be close to family unless she resigns herself to reality and reality will not resign to me!

Shockingly, the only person who has seen my worst days and best, knows what I am and not, what I want and not, how I get mad for no reason, purpose or use, does not finds me turstworthy in any matter. Again, I have shared myself with others in every possible way but my mind and lost them all with no exceptions, and with this disappointing, if I may call it, acquaintance, I lost what is left of trust and faith in humans within me!

Imagine it being like this, growing up in a broken family like Romeo and Juliette', but in this case the lovers are happily married, or so fro a period of time they thought. Both families are at conflict all their lives, even after they died, considering the end of this love dilemma, each family blames the other for the death of their member and that leads to epidemic struggle. Thus, the children being the seeds of this forbidden love are the victims left behind, I made up a new chapter you see, and the everlasting hatred in the hearts of the families blinds them from seeing the harm subjected upon their own blood, the poor kids. I have a similar scenario, one would not expect, and I live a life of missing affection in a very conformist and traditionalist society that seeks segregation in every possible way and form rather than the positive conformity that aims at unifying the people. Being there, in the midst of the bloodshed and the battles, I lost my morality which I have been trying to regain for years now, what long years these are!

Not many appreciate my relationship to symbolism and figurative speech as well as my sanctuary until they know who I was, where I am and where I am going to be. Except for one person, who has shared with me all this for almost my entire life.

 

Thy is to my heart's ever near. It suffocates me greatly dear, you are the one that I to am always sincere yet I fail to be as close as I always dreamt to a person's warmth I'd be bared. I reckon my past, my present and future. The pain, the hurt and all the sorrow. I reckon I can be who I was and I will deal as if I am but I will never have been what I dreamt always of ever reaching. It confuses me as much as it scares me, it confuses my mind. I cannot fall backwards into the arms of humans for lack of trust but I chose to do that with you but today I no longer do.

 

I love you sis but I wished you knew I do.