January 29, 2010

مازلتُ أبحثْ

مازلتُ أبحثْ عما كاد أن يكونْ

عنْ امرأةٍ تبيدُ سكونَ العالم لأكونَ في حضنِها أنا...

مازلتُ أرنو لرائحةِ الجنونْ

لقيلويةٍ تُبعدُني عنْ هولٍ كاد أنْ يسلبني السنا..

بالأمسِ كنتُ أجري تائهاً بينَ الربيعْ

ساخراً منْ عطركِ

ناسياً سِحرَ السوادْ

مازلتُ أنا..

ذلكَ الطفلُ الرضيعْ

إثرَ عِبرة ثم هَفوة لازلتُ أرنو لرائحةِ لحبيبْ

لِأُبحر فأبحر وأبحر ... وبعدها

أنتهي و السماءُ راكعة

بينَ هولي و ضياعي قُلتها

"مازلتُ أبحثْ عما كادَ أنْ يكونْ

عنْ سِحركِ..

عنْ أسركِ..

عن سكرٍ أنساني من أنا ..!"

My greatest fear is true

The strangest thing in life is that which hides the capability of drifting throw your pages in a matter of seconds. It alters your reality like a thunder strikes a tree regardless of its age, shape, size or even progress in life. We are all destined with the same destinies one way or another. These are lessons I merely hear nowadays whereas before I learned them each time I met someone, did something or witnessed the most trivial projects of humanity, I learned something. I had lost that wondrous ability quite some time ago mainly because I no longer was able to smile at the goofy things my friends provide in my presence in an attempt to lighten me up, brighten up my day and eventually devour my explicit negativity.

Awkwardly, the most altering event in my life is not the greatest as few might already have a perception on what that may be and a lot will be wondering about. You would imagine the death of my mother at the age of twelve, my father's abandonment a couple of years later, my lack of trust in people, the atrocious approaches that has bedazzled my complete faith in morality, my ever-growing hatred towards the tedious everyday human pleasures found in every possible simplicity of life, and conformists. I hate it all; it ruined my innocence, peace, faith and spoiled the beautiful spirit I always used to be. Still wondering where I am going? I see!

My biggest disappointment today is that, regardless of millions and millions of acquaintances, many friends, classmates, and co-workers and so on and so forth, out of all the people I ever met in my life, the one person I trust with blind sight trusts me not at all.

I am not close with family you see, a rebellious twenty years old college girl seeking liberation who had never been a conformist her entire life will never be close to family unless she resigns herself to reality and reality will not resign to me!

Shockingly, the only person who has seen my worst days and best, knows what I am and not, what I want and not, how I get mad for no reason, purpose or use, does not finds me turstworthy in any matter. Again, I have shared myself with others in every possible way but my mind and lost them all with no exceptions, and with this disappointing, if I may call it, acquaintance, I lost what is left of trust and faith in humans within me!

Imagine it being like this, growing up in a broken family like Romeo and Juliette', but in this case the lovers are happily married, or so fro a period of time they thought. Both families are at conflict all their lives, even after they died, considering the end of this love dilemma, each family blames the other for the death of their member and that leads to epidemic struggle. Thus, the children being the seeds of this forbidden love are the victims left behind, I made up a new chapter you see, and the everlasting hatred in the hearts of the families blinds them from seeing the harm subjected upon their own blood, the poor kids. I have a similar scenario, one would not expect, and I live a life of missing affection in a very conformist and traditionalist society that seeks segregation in every possible way and form rather than the positive conformity that aims at unifying the people. Being there, in the midst of the bloodshed and the battles, I lost my morality which I have been trying to regain for years now, what long years these are!

Not many appreciate my relationship to symbolism and figurative speech as well as my sanctuary until they know who I was, where I am and where I am going to be. Except for one person, who has shared with me all this for almost my entire life.

Thy is to my heart's ever near. It suffocates me greatly dear, you are the one that I to am always sincere yet I fail to be as close as I always dreamt to a person's warmth I'd be bared. I reckon my past, my present and future. The pain, the hurt and all the sorrow. I reckon I can be who I was and I will deal as if I am but I will never have been what I dreamt always of ever reaching. It confuses me as much as it scares me, it confuses my mind. I cannot fall backwards into the arms of humans for lack of trust but I chose to do that with you but today I no longer do.

I love you sis but I wished you knew I do.