August 28, 2009

Smile you're happy!

Excitement is what you see on most people's faces when they are about to journey a new experience and start over again, something I never was able to welcome with genuine warmth or sincere gratitude at all. These not so good new beginnings in my life have been hell of ones to turn my head around such chances and completely shut them down forgetting that I am actually a human with great chance of missing on life time after time. And new beginnings are what I always will need to be able to forgive and get on with my life for the better. No wonder I am stuck in this vortex of complete confusion all the time!

About ten days ago, a great friend of mine had his new beginning journey. Regardless of his conviction of what to call it, I personally see it this way. An extremely different environment than what I have in my country is where the new start ignites to light the rest of his life. I pray that it does not go against him or his family - Insha'a Allah!

I am socially disabled,  I am! I do not get along with people easily and no, I do not communicate well but I speak a lot to cover up my nervousness and the uncomfortable state I'm always in. Unless I am with books or asleep, I am 97% of the time worried about the what-if's which. as we all know, are poisonous once they take over your mind and soul. El-HamdleAllah, I was a special exception each time I broke down to show my great fear of, well basically, everything in life! Pretty normal you'd say, not when you are me.

Most of the people who know me would understand that I am part of so many programs, projects, I want to make a change in the world, I am known by many -that is what I hate to hear and never say about myself-, I am naive at times, nice or even too nice, judgmental and many other characteristics that do not go together. Being all that I am and am not, I fail to find comfort in those I meet each day and those I chose once failed me greatly -yeah more discomfort agitated me after that. Thanks to God, I managed to find a few people who have managed to break my defense system down into small pieces since they were put together the wrong way due to the disfiguring choices I've made, and solved my puzzle to get this different person I really am and somewhat enjoy the bits of fun in me.

I smile, quite a lot actually, well yeah ALL of the time I do! I love to smile; I always try to do so because it makes me hide away much easily. It misleads you from finding out who I really am. But I do not smile inside at all. I find it hard to make myself smile, thus, I try to smile with the few who recognized my true spirit. However\, they are gone, all gone, some are far, some are busy, some are in my reach but I dare not reach out for, and some are too far to see what that has done to me.

I am trying to be a strong believer of Allah, something I failed to be for a while recently. Therefore, I started to find some peace and comfort in the distance of all my dear ones, but I went back to my old unsuccessful ways, which has been killing my spirit slowly over the years. I did not realize what I have been doing to myself all my life clearer than today in my composition class. We were asked to write notes answering questions written on the whiteboard for three categories: Sad, Happy & Angry. "Oh, that would be short and easy!" I thought to myself with a huge smile drawn on my face not knowing this would be the hardest thing I ever did in university. I was able to fill the Sad and Angry categories gradually but then there was this wanted list in the middle with not even a single, simple answer for any of the seven questions put up on the board by the doctor. I was stuck, we had almost twenty minutes to fill all of them, but I did the other two in about 5 or 8 minutes when I was not able to remember anything for the Happy category! I was shocked! I had so many good moments with my family, my loved ones and my dearest friends. Yet, not a single memory that once lightened up my heart or given me comfort for a second came across my weary mind.

I remember giggling like crazy with many of my friends, doing the craziest things I always thought of doing, blushing or even smiling from joy for my dearests. Yet, I failed to remember a single moment of sincere happiness.

I took a deep breath, turned to look over my left shoulder to catch a look from my far-seated friends and whispered through the spaces between us "I don't have any happy moments." They giggled for my craziness as always and didn't really know that I was terrified more than I ever been from a composition task!

I took a couple more deep breaths, closed my eyes and thought of all those who meant the most to me in life, but not a single thing made me pick a single happy moment. So, I just picked my travel experience polished it with great excitement and happy memories and there it was. I was done from writing one of the happiest moments in my life.

I remember the warmest moments with the guys I love, my best friends and my dearest of people but I cannot identify them clearly for I am no more in such grace. I envy those who have families when I got the greatest, those who construct their ideas clearly and loudly when I do at times, and even the beautiful creatures of God for being worshipers all their lives, something none of us can top!

About happiness they said:

Albert Camus:

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.


Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient

Bertrand Russell:

The happiness that is genuinely satisfying is accompanied by the fullest exercise of our faculties and the fullest realization of the world in which we live.

Brother David Steindl-Rast:
Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more.

Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.

I say:


August 27, 2009

>>> The Blue Seeker Rose <<<

The story goes on..
The song of the silver night is sung..

It started with a white one..
It ended with the red..

I thought it was a wise gun..
Until it came I no longer did!!!

Sparkly blue..
It sparkled in the eyes of a few..
Faster than the fast..
Amid us it flew..

As amazed we were there..
Looking at and not gazing away..
The angel that has come amid us..
Gave us peace and took away the fuss..

No red was seen..
No white was seen either..
No war has been..
It just grew further and further..

The red rose faded away..
A background to the scene it stayed..
Listening to what is being said..
Alive as if dead..

As blue as the sky of the day..
As fare as a feather..
It spoke to thy about the wisdom of the way..
It simply made us feel better..

Life is love and love is life..
We are all the same..
It's the saying of thee above..

Feel the peace..
Let go of hatred..
Don't always seize..
Just enjoy the fragrance..

And as they lied there..
Beneath the silver Blue..
They felt the true meaning of fate..
That Blue is here to set it al free..

Life goes on and we grow they said..
It's not worth it this fight is not..
Hand-in-hand we shall voice it..

A message of peace on this land!

>>> One Red Rose <<<

One white flower
Right from heaven
Right from the stars..

There lays the horizon
Between the words and the dots

I can't forget the feeling
Can't deny what had been said
Words and words are cheering
Peaceful birds ahead

Just the other night
Such an amazing flight
Roses of silver white
Cannot stop what's right

Enjoying every moment
Enjoy every bite
Act like you own it
Be welling to fight

Down they came
Boring like rain
Unleashing what’s inside
Recovering our pain
Killing our laughters
Rejecting all we've gained

After the dawn of peace
The dawn of ease Red roses of hatred
Red roses of pain

One red rose
That's all what it took
One poisoned red rose
It shines and glows
It turns and flows
It kills as it grows
It kills as it grows

It started with a white one
It ended with the red

I thought I was a wise gun
Until it came I no longer did !!

My Story

This is it a dot, a full stop..
This is me and this is my story..
This is where I call you with no hope..
Of ever defeating my glory..
This is it, this is all I got..
Let's leave it up to the jury..

One stupid stupidity..
One big love story..
I gave up all of my immunity..
And madly fell in your love territory..

A risk I was so welling to take..
I never thought I need to fake..
And never had to do that mistake..
For your morality was my break..

Another world was set for you and me..
Another place for us to be..
One more space one more tree..
Imagination was alive and free..
It showed us what we wanted to see..

Reality bites..
Whenever you or I have lost this fight..
How can we switch on our life..
Where is the key to this light..

Now I must move on..
Let go and be strong..
But my soul is here lying alone..
Hopelessly listening to this song..
It cannot be undone..
Our love can’t be forever gone..

Dear Allah! Dearly beloved God of mine!
It is now too late after nine..
My soul bleeds for thine..
To be there when I try some wine..
Or I lose my rime..
Oh, Thee! Oh Devine!
I love him with all my spine..
I ask you to let this feeling shine..
High above and guide me to the line..
In which I shall fall till the end of time..

The Declaration of Independence

I learned this today
The day I saw them leave
I learned this the hard way
God ! I wish I could retrieve


I don't live to play
Nor I wish to recieve
I now seek to sway
Yet I am failing to achieve


God, when I am sad, taught me to pray
And though I can't change my believe
I search the day
When true me is back indeed


A tale never has a end
Although till the end we seek
We fail and fail depends
On broken hopes and Dear
To gain the truth you need the lend
Of a helping hand to cheer


Oh Day Oh Night Oh Life!!!
How can I smile as bright
Be strong and teach me how to no longer thrive
For day comes after night
I wish not to be a bride
I learned it once and shall not fight
I breathe and am alive
Need some guidance to the light


For here dear this I bare
Just standing in the dim
The pain, the love and care
Though I have done no sin
One day i shall declare
The secrets deep within
alone i must not be in despair
I'll try my best to win


The whole world put aside
Let's end this foolish game
I didn't know how to glide
And now I gained its fame
Each coin has more backs to a side
And my growth of this shall cause no shame


قصاصاتي الفضية ترقص!

سلالمٌ تُغْزلُ مِن صوفِ الحرية،،
تتسلسلُ بسلاسةِ الروح للجسد،،
راسمةً... ابتسامة، شعور، فهفوة!

غفوت على محرمٍ من دموع
لأصحو على صوت غريب
هل أنا أحلم أم ما أراه هو المستحيل!

بقايا وهم بدت تمتثل أمامي على قصاصاتٍ من ورق
تتراقص مع نسيم الليل لتحكي ما قد مضى
قصص من وهم بل بقايا ألمٍ لَمْ يكد..

سرحت بخيالي بين صفحاتِ الورق
لأرسو على شاطئ ملؤه الحرية..

هل أنا أهذي ..؟
هل هذا سراب ؟؟!
هل هذه يا سيدي يدك تكفكف دموعٍ من وهم!

أعِنّي على العودة إلى صفحات الحقيقة
أعدني إلى جوهر هذه الأغنية
فهي بعد رحيلك مجرد بقايا أمنية
بقيت مطوية حتى رأيته
بين وسادة و دموع و بقايا ورق تتراقص تحت ظلال القمر..

فلترقصي ما شئتي و لتسلبي خيالي في غمار عالمٍ من الحرية

قصاصاتي الفضية،،
غدا أصحو لعالم الحقيقة من سحرك الخلاب و أغدو أنا.

كفانا جدالا..*


بين همسة و جدال

خطي من دمي عبراً و ما شئتي لمن بعدي من رجال

اقتليني و اندمي ثم اقتليني حتى يغادرك هذا الخيال!

وداعا أيها الطيف البريء ... لقائنا بات محال

بين طيات القميص الملطخ و ابتهالات النضال

اقتليني و ليكن لهم مني عبراً و لينتهي هذا الموال

أربعون عاماً بتُ طفلاً مقيدَ المصير في انتظار

علني اليوم أغادر علّي اليوم اغتال!

أقتليني اقتليني فدموعكي بعد فراقي باتت محال

من أنا لأبقى معلقاً بطعن سكين إمرأة بهذا الجمال

اقتليني ودعيتي اليوم أرحلُ باستبسال

طيفك لم يغادرني بعد فراقنا... بل هو لا يزال

بادري بطعني عند العاشرة وقتما كنا نتجادل كل ليلة

ليتي أفيق بعدها مسلوب الخيال

لأنهي حرب نفسي مع نفسي في ظلم هذه الظلال

اقتليني سيدتي عندها فقط فقد مللت الارتجال!

(2) أناقش القلم

عدت لمكان اللقاء الأول و قلبي يتلهف إلى أن يُسعدَ قلبها علها تسترجع ابتسامتها و نتسامر متناسين رياح الليل القارص و أشعة النجوم المشتعلة غيرةً منها.

كاسراً لقوانين الطبيعة و عهوده التي قطعها على نفسه و أمام مشهدٍ من صغار النجوم المتلألأ انحنى مقترباً من نافذتها المفتوحة. أظلّم الليل على أصغر المخلوقات و تسائل الجميع مالذي يحدث؟ أين يا ترى اختفى القمر في ليلة صافيةٍ كهذه؟

"أيعقل هذا؟ خصلاتها المبعثرة مازالت تغطي مابقي من وجهها الشاحب المختبئ بين ثنيات الشراشف المتجمدة حول ملامح وجهها."

أطال تأمله بمنظرها المحزن في صمتٍ ثم واصل يتمتم " كيف لي أن ألون هذه الصورة لتصبح قربية من الحقيقة. أيعقل أن يلبث جسدٌ كما فارقتُهُ الأمس، ساكناً ، هائماً بين شراشف من ثلوج قد نسيه الشتاء!"

كليلة من الخيال طغاها السواد، فقدت ملامح الجمال المخملي الذي لطالما عبرت عنه بزينة من اللؤلؤ المتألق تحت انعكاساتٍ من ضوء القمر البهي الذي اختفى في هذه الليلة. جلس في سكون غريب مفترشاً نافذتها راثياً حالها إلى أن نهضت ناشرةً عبيرا من الحياة في أرجاء المكان معلنةً خروجها من سباتٍ عميق.

"هل أطلت الانتظار عند نافذتي؟ لِمَ لمْ توقظني؟!"

أجابها القمر فرحاً "لم أشأ أن أزعجكِ!" ثم أكمل متردداٌ " كما... كما أنني لم أعلم بمَ أناديكِ و أنا أجهل ما هو أسمكِ!"

"وكيف لك أن تزعجني و أنت تعلم أنني استمتع بمجرد أن أراقبك في أصفى الليالي و اليوم أنت في مقربٍ مني و أصبحت ضيفا عندي!"

عاد للقمر زهوه و انتشر نوره مرة أخرى ليرسم حدوداً لكواكب السماء النائمة و ينير عوالمها. غمرَ قلبه الفرح لرؤيتها تتألق إثرَ لقائهما. ولكنه مازال يجهل اسمها رغم تنبيهه لها!

"ألا تمتلكين اسماً ؟"

بدأ ضوء القمر المشع يخفت مع مرور الزمن ليظلّم الليل معلناً حزنه.

نظرت إليه مبتسمة، ليس بشفاهها بل بقلبها و لكن هنالك شيءٌ يسيطر على شفاهها ولكأنما اختارت تلك الصغيرة أن تخفيَ ابتسامتها في مأمنٍ من الناظر. جلسا دون حراك طوال تلك الليلة، هي تبتسم مراقبةً زائرها الحائر وهو يغوص في عالمٍ من نسج مشاعرها الخفية.

"ألن تخبرينني ماهو اسمكِ؟" سأل مستيقظاً من حلم اليقظة "لا." هذا كان ردها ببساطة غير مكثرثةٍ بحيرته بل غارقةٍ في عالم من نسجها. " يجب أن أعود إلى النوم." غادرته تاركةً إياه في ضياعٍ تام بين خصـلاتٍ و ظلامٍ و سكون.

(1) أناقش القلم

عدنا و العود أحمد،،

لقد اشتقت إلى القلم فقررت أن استعيد ميراثه من خلال محاولة صغيرة في سلسلة قصصية من وحي الواقع و نسج الخيال،،

أتمنى أن تعجبكم و أترقب تعليقاتكم

اليوم الأول:

في محاولةٍ أخرى لها لاستثارة الحرية و الخروج عن "قانون الطبيعة" رسمت لها درباً يختلف عن سيرة ذويها لتنفى إلى محفل من العزلة.

ثوبٌ مخضبٌ بعبير الحياة، رموشُ تتهادى مع حركاتِ النسيم، زهرةٌ قد لونت وجنتيها برونقٍ جميل، و عينان تضيع في سكونها أحلام الفتية. سكنت على طرف نافذتها تراقبُ القمر بل طال سكونها فارتابت النجوم من أمرها. من يا ترى هذه؟ من هي تلك الصغيرة من بني البشر ؟

"ما الذي أتى بكِ مرة أخرى لدفئ أحضاني صغيرتي؟ ماذا حدث؟" سألها القمر. "أباكية في صمت لحنين و أمل أم مجروحة الفؤاد جئتني؟".

مهمش الوجود في ظلال البرائة كان ذلك الصوت الحزين يتهجأ في لحظات ليهمس متردداً "أحـــ.... أحتاج إلى أن ابتسم!" ما إن نطقت بها تلك الصغيرة حتى اغرورقت عيناها بالدموع. " يا ليتني لم أهمس ببنت شفه عما كان يدور في ذهني، قد كان لجرأتي ثمنٌ يعجز الحرف عن تضميد جراحه".

في حيرة من أمره قد سكن كسكون ضوئه على جفون عينيها، ليخط حدود دموعها و كأنما يضع حداً لآلامها. في قلق و يأس تمتم "أنظري إلي وسط سكون ليلة الغد علني أستطيع أن أجعل ابتسامتك تعود".

و افترقا، هي لتذبل على فراشٍ من ثلوج يخمدُ أحاسيسها المتقدة، وهو ليسهر على منظرٍ يحزن قلب المتأمل. خصلاتٌ مبعثرة فوق بياضِ تلك الثلوج قد غطت وجهها و دموعها و جميع ملامح الحياة بين إطارٍ من فضة مغطى بنافذة التصقت بها ملامح تلك الصغيرة.

و هنا تنتهي الليلة وسط حزنٍ و ضياعٍ و حيرة ليشرق يومٌ آخر و صفحةٌ جديدة.

August 9, 2009

Vortex of change

A strange compelling feeling has always urged us to seek those things we never owned, never had and always "thought" we deserved. What strikes us most when we obtain such things is the fact that we did not really own such “idealistic materials” at all. Yes, you read it correctly, it is never ours, not entitled with our initials or anything, not yours!

It is mind-gobbling how far we go to succeed in fulfilling our materialistic brains by possessing. Things we do not really deserve, let’s be honest since they are not ours in the first place, tend to always remind us of that little object in the window of a glamorous uptown shop screaming “have me, I am all alone and sad!”

Long story short, it is called advertisement. Believe it or not, all our lives we are deceived into believing what we lack is actually what we “want” leading us to disregard what we actually “need” in order to prosper and develop our societies. Some may argue this is the master plan of those who aim to control our freedoms into their gain and develop us as robots systemized for their benefit. Somehow true, yet others also may argue, who is to decide what is and what is not in real life, with disregard of spirituality that not all believe in, like it or not, we all tend to agree no one should!

Shocking as it may seem, this deception which we are targeted by since birth starts from the womb; mothers singing sweet lullabies to their growing children until it is a routine of childhood life, fathers unconsciously subjecting wives and families to a mechanism of servitude, a very efficient machine for control, and many others which vary in form and source. Nevertheless, the most affective and hypnotic tool of radical conviction-reformative tools is the evolutionary media network, very accessible and easy to use.

The issue being presented here is not a new one, nor it is an old, it is an ancient renewable touch point to tackle per generation. A problematic universe is being created based upon this medium of examination, I personally believe, to one’s endurance ability. Justified to religion, to the reason of and to other exploratory analysis by different kinds of theologies and believes.

Whether we believe that we are brain-washed or not, we are! All we need to do is wake up to embrace this new notion of true life which we ever have been ignorant of its truth. A friend constantly reminds me of his saying “You can’t embrace the past, you shouldn’t!” I never saw the good of that till at one point I did, a lesson well-learned thanks to my dear friend. As humans, we tend to deny the truth and get sucked into this vortex of deceptive almost realities which invade our minds and lives. We grow numb and disabled to live life normally. However, when we gain the strength to actually defy the norms and consider all the possibilities, this is only when we really are able to clearly state “we are not brain-washed!” Such an experience is a rare one, does not come easily or occasionally. One must struggle through the hardest battles of all times taking on himself the pledge of conquering the battle of mind and soul which, lost or won, can only lead to liberation of both!

We are not to forget where we came from, nor what we are or what we aspire to be in the future. We must not erase our pasts, reconstruct our presents or rephrase our ambitions for the future. And we are not to reform! Simply, what we are to do is to reflect on all of those by remembering the good moments, learning from our falls, re-establishing ourselves into our presents and ultimately, progress the embitterment of our futures.