August 7, 2010

Reversed Friendship

I can manage to gasp a breath of air after  a great disappointment, yes, I am capable of breathing desbite my painful Asthma pressuring my lungs to collapse when I wish to hold myself together when I encounter disappointment. What I fail to do is hold back my tears which relief my Asthma and calms it to the extremest.

I have lost all meaning to life again and those whom I held to be my reasons in life never gotten to know their role in my survival. I leave in just a few days and a simple smile cannot seem to cross my face. I am not sad that I am leaving for I know the importance of this step in my life and the growth of my personal spirit within a forest of beasts. Independence is certainly my number one goal from this, complete and utter independence that is. Yet, my best friends are not even close to know, nor is anyone who always claimed my friendship.

I am not a lone, I have so many great friends who are keeping in touch and saying their goodbyes, memories and regrets as I am to leave for a year away from them. I, selfishly, feel those who mean the most do not even notice the great fear I hold inside of their loss due to my travel.

My travel seems as if I will die in a few days; everyone wants to have a special last pre-NESA hang out, go out, watch a movie, talk and mingle, everyone but my best friends. I wonder if I am to really die, would this still be the case?

I seldom find myself again questioning the steps I am taking in order to achieve my mission of change not because I doubt the harm coming from it is worth it but simply because my smile is once more taken for granted by those I cherish the most.

I fear yet again, tomorrow, another phone call, another holding back, another burden put upon my chest for failing as a friend, another step backwards in social prospection, another regret, another Asthma attack and another tear.

Oh well, here comes tomorrow.