September 26, 2011

My Smile Echoes(1)

The sound of your smile will always echo. Your heartbeat growing stronger, the pace is crazily faster and your soul ever free. Sensational emotions rushing through veins as if it was not filtered exploding in your mind and overtaking your reality. When you have reached the top, smile wide and let the echo of that smile echo reflecting purity, genuinity and truth!

I dreamt of change ever since I was born; I dreamt of such a phenomena to change my reality to the better. Not to be pessimistic, but I grew up to realize it is purposeless to pertain certain morals over living life with its simplicity. I always think favoring people over yourself, respecting everyone despite your opinion of them with strong will and conviction, and aspiring to be what you are in parallel with the respect of those around you as very essential patterns that help you maintain relationships and fulfill your soul, is one way of morality.

However, this does not always work.

I have a smile that echoes beyond my control and reflects the contrary to how I feel. I love it only because it helps me hide my feeling which I seldom like to share with people. I am a hard person, very hard on myself and believe this is the way I can embetter my reality. However, extremism has caught up with me and I have failed myself.

I have not had the best of times in life but I always believed I was blessed with the best of people who help me get through. This is how I maintained myself, my morals and my focus on my goals in life. Lately, I have fallen in a deep, muddy hole and have managed to shatter myself into a million pieces in search of the core of my being. I am at a point where I feel crippled from attempting anything; my mind is alert of my duties, my heart is beating so fast I feel it will fail soon, my lungs have gotten adapted to its weird patterns and my body has surrendered.

I have set my mind to overcome that, to shift my focus on better things, to let go of my fears, worries and anger, and grow more focused. I attempted different means of self-medication, I have started asking for help, managed to get over my fears for a day but I am still stuck in this vortex. I just want to get out. I just want to be back at that place where my thoughts are mine alone, I am in control of my emotions, thoughts and expressions. I want to be able again to feel comfortable being a mess in my own skin.

But I cannot. I do not think I will be able to for a very long time. Nor do I think I will find comfort in recreating balance in my life once more. I have too much on my mind that I have no power to hold back my tears any more, I have so poor nutrition that I cannot carry out my daily chores as easily, and I have so little support that I fail to gain a moment of relief.

I am drowning like a leaf that is smothered in mud in the middle of the coldest lake, not able to swim or stay afloat with lungs shutting down and limbs frailly failing. I am drowning in the midst of my self-proclaimed chaos and I fail to establish a moment to get a grip and fight back.

The sound of my smile is silenced, my soul is crushed and I remain with no smile, and no echo. The only hope that kept me afloat for two decades, now. Whatever becomes of this is for days that will come to unveil.

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